OK, my imagination is running a little wild today. So sue me.

BAILIFF: ALL RISE FOR THE GRAND ENTRANCE OF JUDGE IRENE!

The gallery rises in awe & respect, wondering what designer I'm wearing under the form-fitting black robe. As I take my plush leather seat, the bailiff says:

YOU MAY BE SEATED!

JUDGE IRENE: I see what our first case is today. Sir, what crimes will you be confessing to?

DEFENDANT: I'm not confessing to any crimes, your honor. I'm not guilty.

JI: Not Guilty? Not possible. Once again, I ask you, what crimes are you confessing to today?

D: None! I'm guilty of nothing!

JI: Confess to your crimes!

D: No!

JI: Confess!

D: I haven't done anything!

JI: Will you not confess? Do I have to convict you without a confession?

D: Your honor, you have no proof that I did anything!

JI: You're on trial in my court, and that's enough! Now confess!

D: No!

JI: Confess!

D: Never!

JI: CONFESS, DAMN YOU!

D: NO! NOT EVER! NEVER!

JI: (exasperated) Tell you what. If you confess now, instead of the usual 3 minutes between conviction and execution, I'll give you a full 3 minutes and 10 seconds. How does that sound, hmmmm? (wryly smiles)

D: No!

JI: OK, OK, I'll make it 3 minutes and 15 seconds, but that's my final offer. Take it or leave it!

D: NO!

JI: According to your paperwork, I see that you're originally from Canada. Do you confess to your Canadian crimes?

D: NO!

JI: Well then, do you confess to your crimes as a Canadian?

D: NO!

JI: Come, come, my boy. I can save the Canadian courts some time & trouble. Confess!

D: I haven't done anything!

JI: CONFESS!

D: NO!

JI: DAMMIT, CONFESS!!!

D: NO! NOT EVER! NEVER IN A BILLION YEARS!

JI: GUILTY! GUILTY! GUILTEEEEEEEE!!! YOU ARE SOOOOO GUILTEEEEEE! I SOOOO CONDEMN YOU!!! YOU ARE REALLY SOOOO GUILTEEEE!!!

(dramatic pause of about 33 seconds.)

JI: Are you as turned on as I am?

D: Hell, yes!

JI: CASE DISMISSED!! I will see the defendant in my chambers. Court is in recess until further notice!

Would this be a great TV court show, or what?

My grandfather once told me that the local courtroom was the best free show in town. I think I know what he meant.

Vote Irene for judge. I'll be glad you did.