Losers take a bum rap in our society. If not for them, successful people wouldn't feel like winners. Being an underachiever is probably harder than you might think. Some practical examples:

SOMEONE has to dig septic tanks. That is truly a dirty job and someone often gets well paid for doing it.

SOMEONE has to clean the windows on buildings like the Empire State Building or Sears Tower. No thank you.

SOMEONE has to paint the Golden Gate Bridge. Again, thank you, no.

SOMEONE has to be Mel Gibson's publicist. Talk about thankless duty.

SOMEONE has to book guests on Larry King Live. Geesh.

SOMEONE has to be the Sports Information Director at New Mexico State University in "exotic" Las Cruces, NM. Bet he has plenty of No-Doze handy.

SOMEONE has to make license plates. They kinda have to. But, we need them.

SOMEONE has to manage the Chicago Cubs. Could you do it, and keep your sanity? I couldn't.

SOMEONE has to be Mayor of New Orleans. Do you think Hizzoner was re-elected because people hate him?

SOMEONE has to keep a typewriter repair shop open. Somewhere.

SOMEONE has to write press releases for Paramount Pictures. And somehow keep a straight face.

SOMEONE has to run Hewlett-Packard. Oops. Right now, NO ONE is. Any takers?

SOMEONE has to be the lawyer for what's left of Enron. It's somewhat akin to being a defense lawyer in Nuremburg in 1946.

SOMEONE has to quarterback the Oakland Raiders. Pro football is the only profession where you can get sacked and not lose your job.

SOMEONE has to write about hockey for Phoenix' Arizona Republic newspaper. Hockey in the desert? Hmmm.

SOMEONE has to produce Rush Limbaugh's show. Hope he has a mind of his own.

SOMEONE had to perform the wedding nuptuals of Anna Nicole Smith & J. Howard Marshall. Bet he needed a drink or a joint afterwards. I know I would have.

SOMEONE has be be a Pac-10 football official. Too many possible punchlines here to pick just one.

SOMEONE has to live in San Bernardino, Ca. This one makes me count my blessings.

SOMEONE has to draw the Mallard Fillmore comic strip. Scarcasm time: I just can't wait for this one to get animated.

SOMEONE has to clean the droppings of animals at better zoos everywhere. Just wondering: do snakes leave droppings?

SOMEONE had to have spent months, maybe years, in conferences, meetings, think tank sessions, with who knows how much money spent in research, more meetings and conferences, who knows how many man-hours spent, to come up with those two magic words: GOT MILK? I'll bet he/she/they now think that they're geniuses. Sheesh.

ENOUGH!! I think I'll break out the Pepsi and cold onion rings.