I am going to absolutely, positively SCREAM AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS if...

I see one more man urinating in public! Guys, guys, guys, here's a news flash for you: THEY'VE INVENTED INDOOR PLUMBING! Have you no pride or shame? What the hell kind of parenting did you have, and even more importantly, what the hell kind of parents are you, if you even care about being a parent? And don't even think about hitting on me. I only date civilized men.

I see one more non-football story about Terrell Owens! Puh-leez. The man has been an attention whore from day one. I would not be the least bit surprised if his latest shanigans with the pills was a "work" to temper his upcoming return to Philadelphia. I know that Philly sports fans take a bum rap about who and what they boo, but I hope that they boo T.O.'s inhaling & exhaling. He could easily just stick to playing football, and on his ability alone, he would be considered a great man, but, nooooooo! I am soooo sick of this guy.

I hear one more Einstein say "MY BAD!" Geniuses, the correct phrase goes "I'm sorry, I made a mistake." Or, "I goofed." I would settle for "I screwed up." Read carefully, please: "MY BAD" IS HORRIBLE GRAMMAR! IT SOUNDS ABSOLUTELY, POSITIVELY, WITHOUT ANY QUESTION WHATSOEVER, STUPID!!! And people who say it look stupid. If you have to say "My bad", then you don't need to talk to me. Just keep adding to your rap sheet.

I hear one more "clever" sportscaster or one more fan's sign refer to the Miami Dolphins as "The Fish". You've seen those signs, "SQUISH THE FISH", or something like that. Or some media dork goes something like "The Fish have their work cut out for them against the Bills." Let me just say this, as quickly, and succinctly, and as subtle, as I, Little Ol' Irene, your friendly neighborhood blogger, can possibly say it:
DOLPHINS ARE NOT FISH, MORONS! THEY'RE MAMMALS!!! SCHOOLS TEACH YOU THAT FACT AROUND SIXTH OR 7TH GRADE!!"

Here's a late addition to the topic table: You're talking to someone, could be on the phone, could be over dinner, anywhere, really, and you're telling them a story, or anecdote, or something. You are just about to get to the payoff part, the punchline, the highlight, and then suddenly THEY JUMP IN AND FINISH THE STORY! And not as well as you would have. If they're going to tell my story, then there's really no point in my telling it in the first place. This has happened to me several times, especially on dates, and it drives me up the freakin' wall! Then they wonder why I won't see them again. Instant deal-killer. JUST LET ME FINISH MY GODDAM STORY! Is that so damn hard? A little courtesy, please? That is sooo rude.

There, I've said it. Yes, I do feel better. Breathing into the paper bag helped a great deal. I may be pretty, but my screaming isn't.

I was reminded of Felix The Cat by Ima Case, who writes a terrific blog here on Blogstream. Brought back a lot of cool childhood memories. It begs the question: Why can't I see Felix on TV anymore? Also, why can't I see:

HECKLE & JECKLE, the talking magpies. This was my early introduction to iconoclasts. H & J were anti-Establishment before anybody knew what the Establishment was. They had no respect for anybody, especially authority figures. They even gave cops a bad time in their cartoons. Could it be that the subtle, underlying message in those 'toons was to think for yourself, and live life as you see fit?

HERMAN & CATNIP, who were an obvious Tom & Jerry knockoff from Harvey Comics. Unlike Tom & Jerry, Herman and Catnip actually spoke. Herman had a Brooklyn accent like Bugs Bunny, and like the old Tom & Jerrys, he and the cat tried to kill each other. Too violent? I don't think so. Funny? I think so.

POPEYE, the old black & white versions. The background art was incredibly detailed. Some episodes were half an hour long. The dialogue was actually semi-intellectual. The audible mumblings of the various characters was at times hilarious. They were later replaced by some gawd-awful color cartoons that had the intelligence level of potted plants. They were seen on Cartoon Network until about 5 years ago. Please, CN?

HOPPITY HOOPER, a very hip frog. Produced by the people who brought you Bullwinkle, Hoppity was accompanied by Uncle Waldo, a dignified wolf voiced by the late, great Hans Conried, and Fillmore the bear, who always carried a bugle with him wherever he went. Like Rocky & Bullwinkle, the episodes were divided into continued parts, and were chock full of puns. My all time favorite Hoppity storyline involved the three of them being held prisoner by The Grand Asparagus.

KLONDIKE KAT, a feline in the RCMP. His nemesis was an ornery French-accented mouse named Savois Faire, whose catch-phrase was "Savois Faire is everywhere!" Invariably, the usually inept Klondike would catch Savois, and would then say his catch-phrase, "Klondike Kat always gets his mouse!

THE PINK PANTHER, a spinoff from the Inspector Clouseau films, this panther was genuinly pink. He never spoke, but did a lot of physical humor. These cartoons, IMHO, were terrific. The Pink Panther theme by Henry Mancini always played in the background. The only downside was that the creators put a laugh track in the cartoons. Not neccessary in cartoons.

Come to think of it, can you find a place where you can see Bugs, Porky, & Daffy? I can't. Today's toon-loving kids are being culturally deprived!

New items on previous postings:

I did get an update on a classmate, even though I did not mention her on my "Classmates" posting:

DONNA was an obnoxious, annoying presence on the campus social scene. Every school has one of these characters, who isn't a cheerleader, class officer, or even a beauty, but yet is seemingly everywhere and in virtually every club. One of those "school spirit" types that no matter how hard you try, you can't avoid. When our senior year yearbook came out, Donna was EVERYWHERE. You couldn't avoid her picture. She was named "Most Likely To Succeed." She had the same blazer on in virtually every picture.

The Update:
A couple of days ago, I ran into her younger brother Mike, who really was a nice guy (why does it always work like that?), and he told me quite candidly that Donna, after a failed career as a nurse, and a couple of failed marriages, is now living in a van, bipolar and delusional, addicted to drugs and an alcoholic, has been in and out of jail more times than they can count, and her family wants nothing to do with her. Talk about falling through the cracks. I always knew that the Most Likely To Succeed tag was a kiss of death.

On my previous Forgotten, But Not Gone posting, I should have included a young lady named JAMIE FOXXWORTH. Who is Jamie Foxxworth, you might inquire? She was on the sitcom Family Matters, the show that foisted Steven Q. Urkel on us, and had some of the most embarassing portrayals of black people on TV, ever. Remember some of Eddie's friends? Anyway, Jamie Foxxworth played younger sister Judy Winslow. Yes, there was a younger sister. Then, on one episode, Judy went upstairs and was never seen, heard from, or even referred to ever again. Suddenly, it was like Judy Winslow never existed in the first place. What happened? Turns out that the producers of Family Matters had planned to expand her role, make her more visible, have storylines revolve around her, and double her salary. Sounds good, right? Problem was, her parents, legally in charge of Jamie's career, didn't think that doubling her salary was adequate compensation. They demanded more, and got very difficult about it. The producers had enough, and wrote Judy out of the show. So much for the acting career of Jamie Foxxworth. In later years, according to one entertainment web site, she worked as a dancer in an adult nightclub to help pay the bills. Other reports have her still trying to get back into acting. The trouble on Family Matters was not of her making. I wish her success.

Losers take a bum rap in our society. If not for them, successful people wouldn't feel like winners. Being an underachiever is probably harder than you might think. Some practical examples:

SOMEONE has to dig septic tanks. That is truly a dirty job and someone often gets well paid for doing it.

SOMEONE has to clean the windows on buildings like the Empire State Building or Sears Tower. No thank you.

SOMEONE has to paint the Golden Gate Bridge. Again, thank you, no.

SOMEONE has to be Mel Gibson's publicist. Talk about thankless duty.

SOMEONE has to book guests on Larry King Live. Geesh.

SOMEONE has to be the Sports Information Director at New Mexico State University in "exotic" Las Cruces, NM. Bet he has plenty of No-Doze handy.

SOMEONE has to make license plates. They kinda have to. But, we need them.

SOMEONE has to manage the Chicago Cubs. Could you do it, and keep your sanity? I couldn't.

SOMEONE has to be Mayor of New Orleans. Do you think Hizzoner was re-elected because people hate him?

SOMEONE has to keep a typewriter repair shop open. Somewhere.

SOMEONE has to write press releases for Paramount Pictures. And somehow keep a straight face.

SOMEONE has to run Hewlett-Packard. Oops. Right now, NO ONE is. Any takers?

SOMEONE has to be the lawyer for what's left of Enron. It's somewhat akin to being a defense lawyer in Nuremburg in 1946.

SOMEONE has to quarterback the Oakland Raiders. Pro football is the only profession where you can get sacked and not lose your job.

SOMEONE has to write about hockey for Phoenix' Arizona Republic newspaper. Hockey in the desert? Hmmm.

SOMEONE has to produce Rush Limbaugh's show. Hope he has a mind of his own.

SOMEONE had to perform the wedding nuptuals of Anna Nicole Smith & J. Howard Marshall. Bet he needed a drink or a joint afterwards. I know I would have.

SOMEONE has be be a Pac-10 football official. Too many possible punchlines here to pick just one.

SOMEONE has to live in San Bernardino, Ca. This one makes me count my blessings.

SOMEONE has to draw the Mallard Fillmore comic strip. Scarcasm time: I just can't wait for this one to get animated.

SOMEONE has to clean the droppings of animals at better zoos everywhere. Just wondering: do snakes leave droppings?

SOMEONE had to have spent months, maybe years, in conferences, meetings, think tank sessions, with who knows how much money spent in research, more meetings and conferences, who knows how many man-hours spent, to come up with those two magic words: GOT MILK? I'll bet he/she/they now think that they're geniuses. Sheesh.

ENOUGH!! I think I'll break out the Pepsi and cold onion rings.

I really had to tax my memory for this one...

DURAN DURAN, supposedly the next "Super Group", or more aptly, hyped as the natural successors to the Beatles. In my humble opinion (IMHO), their breakout hit, Rio, was absolutely BRUTAL! Now available in better discount bins at record stores everywhere.

STEPHANIE MILLER hosted what was arguably the most unwatchable talk show in the history of television. The daughter of 1964 GOP Vice Presidential nominee William Miller (who?), has been off the radar since her show's demise.

ADAM RICH, the "cute little kid" on the nauseating family show Eight is Enough. Didn't you just hate family shows? He had his problems as a teen adjusting to reality, and was in trouble with the law several times, but has been quiet headline-wise in recent years. Let's hope he's enjoying a peaceful existence.

ARCHIE GRIFFIN, the only 2 time Heisman Trophy winner (74-75) from Ohio State. At the end of his "illustrious" college career, he told the NFL that he would only accept being drafted by the Cincinnati Bengals. His wish was granted, and was paid what was then an exhorbitant amount of money. His NFL career went about as smoothly as Popeye the Sailor at a Bluto family reunion. He tanked badly. When last in a football uniform, he couldn't make the roster of a USFL team. Another of the many Heisman flops in the pros. The mistake wasn't giving him 2 Heismans, the mistake was giving it to him in the first place.

DONNA RICE, who somehow managed to bring down the 1988 presidential aspirations of Gary Hart, who was considered electable until she surfaced. When last heard from, she was forming a group advocating government regulation of the Internet. Gee, that sounds an awful lot like China, North Korea, Cuba, and some Middle East countries. Her group got so big that they were holding meetings in a booth at Dairy Queen.

LARRAINE NEWMAN, arguably the least talented member of the original Saturday Night Live cast. While the rest of the cast flourished after leaving SNL in 1980, Navy sonar couldn't find Ms. Newman. Is she hosting an infomercial somewhere that I don't know about?

STEVE CHILLICOTH, the #1 draft pick overall in the 1967 Major League Baseball draft by the New York Mets. The #2 pick of that draft was Reggie Jackson, by the then-Kansas City Athletics. The Mets would have drafted Jackson #1, but according to Jackson's book, the Mets found out that Reggie had the audacity to have a white girlfriend, and they couldn't have that. Steve Chillicoth never made it past AA ball. And people wondered why the Mets floundered so much in the 60s.

FAWN HALL, the world's most famous paper shredder. After helping Oliver North with his shenanigans, Fawn tried to parlay her publicity into a news anchorwoman career. No takers. Perhaps she's working at an Office Depot someplace, selling paper shredders.

LINDA TRIPP, who tried to parlay the Monica Lewinsky scandal into a glorious self-aggrandizement. Old Banana Nose herself tried to offer her services as a political commentator, columnist, actress, speaker, author, and eventually carnival barking. Once again, nada nada.

SAMANTHA SANG, one of many reasons that Disco sucked. The 15 minute alarm rang fast on her.

BROCK LESNAR, hyped by Vince McMahon and World Wrestling Entertainment as "The Next Big Thing", walked away from a promising career in the ring and very big $ to try out for the Minnesota Vikings. He didn't make it. Instead of returning to the WWE, he tried some other things that didn't pan out. Last heard from, he was wrestling in Japan, but not for the big money he could have earned from McMahon. What was he thinking?

LUCIE ARNAZ & DESI ARNAZ, JR., the talent-challenged offspring of Lucille Ball & Desi Arnaz. Through the wonders of nepotism, they were thrust into the limelight of mother Lucille's last CBS show, Here's Lucy, another forgotten entity. While initially a rating hit, the show's ratings steadily declined and Desi Jr. left after 2 seasons of saying "Hi, Mom, Hi, Sis." According to a PBS documentary on Lucille Ball, by the time Here's Lucy ended its run, it looked like they were just going through the motions. Neither Lucie or Desi Jr. became anywhere near as big as their parents, although Desi Jr. gave a credible performance playing his father in the movie, The Mambo Kings.

Soon to be added to this illustrious list: Anna Nicole Smith, Omarosa Stallworth-Whatever, Maurice Clarett, & Terrell Owens.